Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
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[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.