How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
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My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.