Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
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Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
this… may be the greatest story ever told
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
quarantine day 3
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
his wife is probably gonna see that
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Acronyms got me like WTF?
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES