[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
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Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
thanksgiving should be called feaster
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat