My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
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Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Inside you there are two wolves
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one