My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
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*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Hey Fugeddaboutit
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”