You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
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you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?