Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
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(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
#Thanos #MondayMood
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.