Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
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Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
iPhone X
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?