Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
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Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.