Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
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DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Happy weekend !
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.