5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
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M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Something Saturday.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
i meant to share this earlier
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Mhm.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.