I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
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If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.