My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
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6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND