For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
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Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.