Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
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Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”