Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
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Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?