I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
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Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.