It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
You Might Also Like
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Follow me for more life hacks.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.