as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
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If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”