Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
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I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Fixed this for Shakespeare
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle