When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
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Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen