my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
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My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread