Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
You Might Also Like
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.