My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
You Might Also Like
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Oh yeah that’s it
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
the red hot silly peppers
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!