From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
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[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
All is fair in drunk and war.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”