GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
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I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.