I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
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barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
A choir of Spring onions
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
#math
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.