I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
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My what?
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer