I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
You Might Also Like
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police