Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
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[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.