if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
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A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Not even remotely sorry.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.