What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
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Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.