“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
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Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
This is true.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do