All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
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Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
If I ignore life will it go away?
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.