[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
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I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”