“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
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Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.