My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
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I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes