You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
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My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.