me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
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I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.