In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
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[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
#gardening
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
mmm onion ringos
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.