won’t smith
You Might Also Like
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
felt that
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho