If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
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“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.