I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
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“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Love it! 👍😂
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT