People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
You Might Also Like
I’m listening
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
ouch
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Kermit goes Blue.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?