“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
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I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.