Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
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i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Seems kinda suspicious
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.