ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
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No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
how to have an accident 101
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
live, laugh, laundry.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”