What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
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*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Guilty! 🤪
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus