Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
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A new level of troll.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
For the ones in the back.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*